Appreciation

There are certain things that I try to avoid as much as possible, such as getting gas in the car.  I don’t avoid it because I find it inconvenient, or because I don’t have time.  I find that I avoid certain things like this because they trigger my obsessive-compulsive disorder, or my anxiety, or both.

I am the guy you see wearing a glove to put gas in his car.  I can deal with that, however, it triggers my anxiety because I start thinking about other people judging me.  This is when I start to sweat uncontrollably; and then it snowballs.

My wife will never understand what it feels like to have this run my life, but she does know that it does affect me.  So she will get gas in the cars just so I don’t have to.  In fact, she put gas in both cars in the last two days, and she automatically get out of the car to fill up when I am driving, saving me the embarrassment of having to ask.

Yesterday we went out to eat for dinner with the family.  I wanted barbecue sauce on my sandwich, but I have an extremely difficult time with touching the community condiments on tables at restaurants.  Knowing how much this bothers me, my wife didn’t hesitate to put the sauce on my sandwich for me.

I don’t say all this to brag about my wife (maybe just a little).  I am saying all this because when you have a debilitating disorder it helps to have someone you can trust to take on some of your burden.  They don’t need to be able to understand how you feel.  They just need to understand that this is something that you deal with every day.  And if you do have someone in your life that you can trust, and who is willing to make things a little easier for you, please show them some appreciation.  Because this is not something everyone is willing to do.

Advertisements

Snowball

I have used the analogy of being caught in a rolling snowball to explain what depression is like.  But I have found myself caught in one for a while now.  I started to feel bad about myself which then caused me to be less productive.  I get overwhelmed when I see how much needs to be done, but because I’m feeling bad about myself I don’t get those things done.  I start feeling worse because there is so much to do that I am not getting done, but then I put myself down because I am not getting them done.  And the cycle continues.

It’s hard to explain this to someone who does not suffer from depression, but for those who do I’m sure you know this all too well.  I feel like I’m trying to keep my head above quicksand but I don’t have anything to grab a hold of.